Now Playing: ODESZA “A Moment Apart.”
Sometimes it feels like my life’s a dream, that things are happening and I’m just someone watching it go by. Head leaning against the seat of the bus, all I could think about was how typically mundane the day had been, with some exceptions. I got up this morning after oversleeping, got dressed, took a crowded train to work, then was busy until the day was done.
Where it was extraordinary was the two hours that I was gone because I was meeting with my drug counselor. Remember when I said that my current program wasn’t going to be enough to keep me clean and sober? Surprise! Now I’m going to programs 4 days a week. Woo-hoo!
But back to dream land. For most of my life, I’ve detached myself from things. School, work, family — they are important and they are things that I’ve worked towards, work hard for, and have fought for, but they aren’t exactly real. Graduating felt fake because there wasn’t really anything behind it. Sure, tons of Instagram photos and long captions because dream or not, I didn’t get into those honor societies without hours of blood, sweat, and tears. But my life didn’t really change afterwards. Nothing happened. My family and AJ went to Applebees then home. I went to work the next work day.
It’s like things happen and they fade away and I don’t know what meaning anything is supposed to have. Maybe I never have. Growing up there was such impermanence surrounding everything that I felt secure with nothing. Volatile relationships, dysfunctional family dynamics, no security even with remaining in the country. What was my poor C-PTSD brain’d self to learn?
I don’t know. Camus wanted it all. For it mean nothing and everything at once. There has to be a way to have that. For me to realize that yes, all of these bad awful things happened and you’re a sad little bitch for it. Yes, there’s a reason why you can’t hug your friends and only tell them you love them when you’re drunk. But also to move the fuck forward and move the fuck on. That’s existential, I think, and critical for this to work.
But I’m not there yet. We’ll get to that in a moment.
My counselor and I made a new treatment plan. I forgot that I was in treatment, not just some fun talking groups that give me content for blog posts. I’m trying to get better even if I don’t know what better means for me. She recognizes that I’m not ready for abstinence; maybe it was me saying “yes” every time she asked if I wanted to keep using [insert drug here.]
Woah — my ADHD ass totally just took like, a 20 minute break to watch ODESZA videos from Coachella. And I may or may not have cried. Nostalgia kicks my ass every damn day. But the tears weren’t really from missing the festival or even from regret of using that weekend. No, it’s more because my counselor asked me “what would it be like to not use substances?” And watching those videos, I can’t imagine not using molly in that moment. It seems so different now from a computer screen. I don’t remember them having all of these special guests or exactly what they did onstage. But I remember what I felt, and all of the emotions that each song elicited, and just how happy I was. The way BN danced and the other people around us, the way the lights were too much and not enough all at once. The interconnectedness of it all. It may have been serotonin-sucking worst comedown you’ve ever had drug fueled happiness and introspection, but it’s real. It’s as real as the sparkling pink auras you see around your friends when you’ve taken acid. It’s everything I’ve ever felt and everything I never wanted to, rolled up and swallowed and it comes out in shiny colors that last about 6 hours.
So me not taking substances feels like watching a kick-ass EDM set or Beyonce’s performance from my bed on a Monday night. Like standing in the back of a general admission concert and bobbing my head. It feels like.. normalcy that I don’t want. It feels like sitting in an office, sharing all the things about my past, and knowing absolutely nothing about the future.
It’s scary. I am scared.
ODESZA makes me feel like a dream, drugs or not, and it fits with my detachment in the sense that it ties me down. LR tells me I should stop listening to it because I associate it with drugs but that would have to go for everything. From ODESZA to Dua Lipa to One Direction. They’re all associated with drugs because I am drugs. (Shout out to Dali!) You could play solely Spotify’s Hot Country playlist and I’m sure there’s songs about drinking. Like, there have to be right?
Escapism is my best friend even when life feels like a game but every once in a while life throws you a curveball (I spelled ‘throw’ wrong approximately 4 times. Just thought I’d let you guys know that that word is too difficult.) And that little treatment plan that you and your counselor came up with has to be given to your job because like, oh yeah you haven’t lost that yet somehow and you need to have your schedule adjusted — again. And the paper has “chemical dependency recovery” on it and it has to be approved by the director and you’re not sure what the policy is for drugs and failed drug tests and BAM!
You can’t keep telling yourself that your life is a dream you’ll wake up from.
The Sun Came Up 