Now playing: New Radicals You Get What You Give.
So, I’m writing part of this during the day so that I don’t forget what I discussed during talking circle. And in case you haven’t noticed, my titles are song lyrics that I find somewhat relevant to my Road to Joy.
It was a fucking amazing group today. Harm reduction may not be enough to get me to kick the habit, but it’s enough to get me to go and participate. We touched on the topic of radical acceptance (get it? New Radicals?) and that’s something I’m really working on. I shared an example of how I’ve applied it to the relationship between my father and I, using humor of course, and the end I did my usual self deprecating “but it’s probably not very relevant,” and the entire group commented that it was. It was validating. Of course you shouldn’t get all of your validation from other people, but when you’re not even sure why you’re attending meetings and working towards sobriety, it’s something that helps.
So it made me feel good. Positive. And I’m carrying that over to work right now. Granted it’s only been 19 minutes as of writing these two paragraphs, but it’s fresh in my mind. That’s something I’ve always wanted — to be heard. Without having to go to borderline lengths that totter on emotionally manipulating others for the reaction that I want. I’m sure that there were others who disagreed, who felt that my story was shit, but who cares? My reality is valid, and real, and it’s fucking awesome.
And I was excited. I forgot what excitement without blow felt like. Maybe my brain is resetting itself.
Alright, let me write down the next things I’m going to talk about before I forget:
- Music and it’s positive/negative impacts
- Alcohol and its widespread, worldwide acceptance
- Goals
It’s 3:08 pm now and I’ve decided that I’m going to take a break to continue writing. Tuesday’s been alright, still fairly positive, still motivated. Adderall free which means concentration free but I can only do so much. Is it really my fault that my brain is dopamine deprived?
I want to go to another music festival or concert and I want to go now. That’s me searching for instant gratification. I went so long without them during Lent and it was a surprisingly difficult task. There are probably plenty of upcoming shows but money is a huge factor right now. I’m broke as shit. Still had money for drugs, but not for bills. Funny how that works, right? I’ll figure it out but still. Oh wow I’m suddenly fucking tired. Maybe I’ll take a brief nap.
Suddenly writing about the above topics seems really difficult.
I want to make this blog something meaningful, like those poetic things that people share on Facebook to enlighten others and shit. But that’s not really how life works. A post a day keeps me sane and that’s enough.
It’s 4:19 pm now and I’ve made the decision to post this. It’s my blog, I’ll do what I want. But I don’t have group tomorrow, or Friday, or the weekend, so maybe that’s when I’ll touch on the topics that I listed above.
For now I’ll end this with the notion that radical acceptance leaves me with the opportunity to take back my power. To step away from the mentality that things are happening to me. That I have the right and the chance to make active decisions in my life even if I do nothing. It’s the opposite of giving up. It’s making a move. Taking a step.
Here’s a step: Hi, my name is [insert name here] and I’m a fucking junkie who’s powerless right now. That’s the first time I’ve said (written) that outside of a crisis state.
Take that, denial.
The Sun Came Up 