Now playing: Interpol’s “Rest My Chemistry.”
Today marks day three of my sobriety and day two of starting my abstinence based intensive day treatment.
So far so good. I stopped working for the time being and will probably take 30 days to myself while working this program. I’m scared shitless. There’s so many requirements – attend outside meetings, participate in sober fun, and abstain from any and all drugs and alcohol. I get urinary analyses and breathalyzers weekly. There’s homework.
Getting clean is no fucking joke and part of me immediately knows this is the environment that I need for success. At this moment in time, I have decided to put myself before others and take care of me. I’ve never done that before.
And it’s overwhelming. Because what if I’m not successful at it this time? The likelihood of my job allowing me leave again, should I need it, is low due to the nature of my profession. In all honesty, I didn’t even want to stop working. Almost all of the families with whom I work were upset/sad/concerned about me leaving – one cried because she felt like my leaving meant she wouldn’t get support with housing. It was almost enough to make me change my mind and keep on suffering and making no progress like I have been. Fighting with myself over this decision took so much energy out of me and now that it’s done, it’s in motion, and it’s started, I’m stuck with it.
On my way home from hanging out having sober fun with BK, it dawned on me that I did not feel stressed. I was not exhausted physically and emotionally. I did not dread coming home. There was no thought of “ugh I need a drink.” At least not related to negative work days. Two days in a program is nowhere near enough time to have learned anything, but having removed myself from a significant source of stress does have an immediate effect. I feel okay. I had a lot of fun today even when I felt uncomfortable and sad at times. I was with someone I love and who supports me on my road to joy.
Maybe this moment of peace and clarity is what my horoscope was talking about when it said I was confident and should take time to look at my situation. Nothing in life is certain especially not cessation of substance use, if you’re my junkie self, but I do know that I’m going to keep moving forward. One day at a time is all I can ask for.
So the tone of this blog’s changing a little. Let me get myself out of my denial phase and humorous writing and start maturing a little, allowing myself to sit with my thoughts and emotions. I’m a naturally hilarious person so don’t worry – the jokes aren’t going away and neither is my song mention. Drug use and recovery do not make up every single aspect of my personality and I’d like this journey to show different sides of me. The happy sides, not just post-acute-withdrawal me.
This entry is short for a reason. Not everything has hit me yet and the information that I’ve obtained in these two days has been overwhelming. I need to process it before I can form an opinion about it. But I will say that I want to make my life safe again. However that may be.
The Sun Came Up 